My prayer.

I long for transparency before God and men. This is my prayer of many years. I’m praying, claiming, and believing. God is faithful.

Dear Lord,

As I’ve been asking for many years now, I come to You again to ask that you would raise up a man of God who is well-respected, a musician, extremely intelligent, a visionary, and a dreamer who is bold, confident, outgoing, funny, sincere, caring, full of integrity and is passionate.
I realize marriage is not about me, my husband, or our relationship, but ultimately it is about Your plan and what you can accomplish through the two of us together rather than apart. We will both be called by You and be people of great integrity, and together we will be an unstoppable force to be reckoned with. One can put a thousand to flight, but two can put ten thousand to flight.
My one desire is to come alongside my husband and be his ezer kenegdo. I want to be his confidant, his closest friend, his number one fan, and his greatest encourager. I want to be the arms and legs to his God-given vision and lift up his hands when he becomes weary. I want to add value and do him good all the days of my life. I want to submit to him as the spiritual authority as he in turn submits to You. I want to relinquish rights as the head of the household and the responsiblity as the breadwinner. I am tired of carrying these burdens as a single woman that were never meant for me to bear.
I want him to fight for me, pursue me, love me, and cherish me. I want him to care about my opinion and respect my intuition as I hear from the Lord too.
I look forward to the good days and the bad days alike. You don’t get angry with someone you don’t care for. I look forward to the fights and arguments because once resolved, they’ll cause us to be even stronger, like minded, and like hearted.
I want a man who will love me more than he loves himself. You promised me You have someone for me who will “love me more than I could ever imagine.” I know he won’t be perfect; neither am I, but I will love him just the same as I hope he does for me.
I ask for a man with a dream and a vision so we can dream together and let nothing be our limit because with You, all things are possible.
I want to never take him for granted, never let the sun set on our anger, and never forget to thank You for him.
I trust in You, Lord.

I believe You have a husband for me who is a man like Joseph, Your earthly father, who will forever be regarded as a righteous man. He hears and recognizes Your voice and acts quickly without question or hesitation when You speak.
You have a man with a clear vision for me like Joseph. Because his vision is clear, he is able to walk according to his inner principles and according to Your word as he is led by the Holy Spirit.
You have a man of God for me who, like Elisha, has a mantle placed upon his life and walks boldly in Your annointing.
You have a man of God for me who, like David, has a heart for You.
You have a man of God for me who is recognized for his unwavering faith even in the midst of impossible circumstances, like Abraham, and keeps claiming the promises of God.
You have a man of God for me who will have favor upon me, value my unique gifts and abilities, and will protect my integrity and purity the way Boaz did with Ruth.
You have a man of God for me who will trust in the godly wisdom you’ve placed around him in choosing a wife just like Isaac trusted his father’s servant to be led of the Lord to find his wife Rebekah.
You have a man of God for me who will seek wisdom and not riches like Solomon.
You have a man of God for me who will lavish me with love as his wife just like you sacrificially love the church as the bride of Christ.
You have a man of God for me…
Thank you for Your faithfulness, Lord.

Every good and perfect gift is from above. James 1:17

Make haste, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of spices. Song of Solomon 8:14

Fare thee well, 2011!

At the end of 2010, as I was praying for 2011 I knew it was going to bring great change. I didn’t know what, but I stood in faith believing God was going to move on my behalf. I was stuck in a dead end job and my life was stagnant. I felt like I was beating my head against the wall because I couldn’t advance or do anything on my own, in my own power, to better my situation. Those times of difficulty had it’s merit though. I can look back and see the growth even during my desert season.

2011 has definitely been a year of change. It has been a year of dreams. I’ve never had so many dreams at night until this year and watch them happen before me.

2011

January – I started the year out by forming a ministry that less than 2 months later fell apart. I felt defeated.

March – I turned down the affections of a calling suitor after seeking the Lord for His will.

April – I went on my first cruise to the Bahamas with my best gal pals and had the most fun I’ve ever experienced to date. I loved traveling so much, I went out and applied for a passport. I also discovered I love dancing.

May – I came to the end of myself. It was change or bust! I began rediscovering who I am and seeking the Lord for what He had for me laying down my own expectations and my own selfish will.

June – God answered my prayer and I was laid off my dead end job. My hope was restored and renewed. I felt free and was able to dream once more.

July – My nights were filled with dreams. Many of which have been realized.

August – I moved to a new city, got my own apartment, and embarked on a new journey. Best decision ever!

September – My faith was stretched to greater lengths and I learned how to pray more effectively.

October – During a series about emotional baggage my pastor preached on, I was able to forgive and deal with issues that held me back. I’ve never felt freer.

November – I lost my job and got a new job in a miraculous series of events.

December - Hmmm…

I’m thankful for 2011. It has been the hardest year to date, but I made it. If any of these things had happened to me in 2010 I think I would have fallen apart and not been able to cope. I realized a strength I didn’t know I had and all of the credit goes to the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t me. At all.

In 2010, my word was Isaiah 43:18-19, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” In 2009, it was simply, “my grace is sufficient for you” (2 Corinthians 12:9). In 2008, it was discovering the correlation of pearls and their harvesting process and me and my harvesting process. In 2007, it was “don’t lay your pearls before swine” (Matthew 7:6).

For 2012? We shall see. Regardless, I’m believing. <3!

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Sing a Song for the City

My Jesus, I love thee. I know thou art mine.

I moved to a city unknown to me by myself save a moving truck of belongings and an aging cat in August. A new job opportunity led me here, but that job was just a vehicle to get me here. It quickly became clear to me that something just wasn’t right. My boss and my coworkers did not like me, I didn’t care for my position very much, and I felt unsettled. I refused to complain, but I prayed about the situation and I told my parents what was happening so they could pray with me and offer counsel.

On Wednesday, November 16, I woke up at 4 a.m. Upon seeing I still had 2 hours to sleep before getting dressed for work, I went back to sleep. During those 2 hours, I had a dream. I dreamt that when I went in to work that day I was not allowed to go to my department but was taken to human resources and was told that neither my boss nor my coworkers liked me so they were getting rid of me. When I awoke I was hurt and knew this was a warning from God.

Sure enough, on Friday, November 18, the day before my 90-day probationary period was up, I was called to human resources at the end of the day and my employment was terminated. The reason given was unfair, but I’m not going to disclose that here. I have already forgiven and have decided not to defend myself. Instead, I’m trusting God will fight for me. I asked when the decision was made to terminate my employment. The HR rep said the order was turned in on that Wednesday, the same day I dreamed. God cared enough to warn me of what was to come. I believe it was to show me that He was in control and would prove Himself faithful.

After I was terminated, I made the immediate decision to forgive. I was not going to play the victim or pack this away as baggage. Still, I didn’t know what to do. I did the one thing I always do when I don’t know what else to do–I went to church that night. As I sat in the parking lot of the church, I spoke with my parents on the phone. With Thanksgiving the following week, they told me to pack up and come home to figure out what to do next. I refused to leave yet though. I had already made a commitment to serve at the Thanksgiving outreach the next day at church and that Sunday night there was a praise and worship service I was excited to attend. Besides, I kept feeling a draw to this church and just couldn’t leave town yet.

The next day I followed through on my commitment with the Thanksgiving outreach. Then during the Sunday morning service, I responded to the altar call. I was desperate for a miracle! Payday was a few days prior to my last day of work, but that check only covered half of the month’s bills and I didn’t know how I was going to pay for rent due on December 1. The girl who prayed with me at the altar only asked my name. Then, without knowing my need, prayed a simple prayer rebuking the enemy on my behalf. I returned to my seat with faith believing God was going to move.

That evening I went to the praise and worship night. The leader of the ministry found me balled up in a corner on the floor crying out to God and asked if he could pray for me. As he led me to the altar, he summoned musicians and singers off the stage and the congregation to surround me and lay hands on me in prayer.

As they prayed, it was like flood gates had opened. I wailed uncontrollably as streams of muddy tears stained my cheeks with mascara, but I didn’t care. The leader spoke into my ear the following words. Keep in mind he didn’t know anything about what happened to me.
He said,

“The enemy has stolen from you this past week. The situation was unfair and it was not your fault. The Lord is going to replace what was stolen from you and give you even more. You will have abundance in your finances. I say abundance; more than before. You will have new relationships and God is going to meet every need. Where your gifts and talents were not appreciated, God is going to give you a new job where you will be appreciated. God wants you to know that if you were the only one here tonight, this was all for you. That’s how much He loves you.”

He then said, “There is a minister in your family. Who is it?”
I replied, “My dad is a pastor of a church.”
The leader then said, “God is going to perform a miracle this week in your life, but only if you seek God like never before and intercede for the man of God in your family and his ministry. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you. You seek Him first through prayer.”

I left that night still not knowing what I was going to do other than pray for my dad and his church like never before.

The next morning I got up, read my Bible, prayed, and dressed. I still didn’t know what to do so I went to the church. I wasn’t seeking financial assistance or a handout, I was seeking direction and godly counsel. All I knew for sure about my move to this new area was that this was the church the Lord wanted me to attend. (Read previous blog entry titled “Put Away the Party Decorations” for story on confirmation of making this church my home church.)

The pastor’s wife listened and prayed with me. She asked questions. How much money was I making at my previous job? What kind of job duties was I responsible for? What past positions have I held? What are my skills and education? The pastor’s wife let me use her computer to look for open positions in the area to apply and asked me for a copy of my resume because it turns out the church needed an administrative assistant and had been without for two months. I found my resume in my email, tweaked it and gave it to her. Then I left because I was going to head to my parent’s home 3 hours south for Thanksgiving, plus my Nana was in town visiting from Virginia and I wanted to spend time with her.

I received a phone call by lunchtime the next day offering me the position at the church to start the next week. It turns out I had just the right skills set, ministry background (I’m a pastor’s daughter and understand how a church operates and ministry) and experience (I was a secretary for the past 3 years prior) for the position! It is temporary through the end of December and in January we’ll reconvene and discuss permanency.

I have just finished my third week and I couldn’t be happier! I love this job. I love this church. I am home. The pastor, his wife, the other pastoral staff and ministers are all just wonderful. I don’t know if they fully realize what a blessing they all have been to me, but if there ever was a doubt in my mind of how much God loves me, it is vanquished now because of the tangible display of love shown to me through the leadership team at this church.

My God is faithful. I realized today how much of a miracle this truly is. In my new position, I receive numerous calls each week of people in the community desperate because, for one reason or another, they are unable to pay their electric bill or rent. I found myself in that same exact situation just a few weeks ago. The church is unable to provide financial assistance and, unfortunately, I’ve had to turn people with a legitimate need away. I hear the desperation in their voice and know firsthand what it’s like to stay up all night lying there feeling numb and trying to figure out how to not ruin my credit score of 851. What sets me apart from those the church has no choice but to turn away? The fact that the Lord gave me favor with them with so many similar cases each day is nothing short of a miracle! I am grateful.

Battle

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

The enemy has stolen from me this past week but God is replacing it with even better. I will be respected and my gifts and talents will be appreciated where they were not.

I am not a victim. I am a victor. The battle has already been won. Go to Hell, Satan.

“Battle (remix)” by Chris August

<3

Excess Baggage

I’m talented in many areas (writing, for one) but keeping a routine is not my strong suite. Any kind of routine. Most nights I fall asleep on the couch with a full face of makeup, I floss occasionally, and I have a hard time regulating time. Why? I’m an extremely creative person and my mind is often in la-la land thinking up my next grand scheme.

Tonight after coming home, I thought to myself that I’ll clean this Saturday. But then as I looked at the few dishes in the kitchen sink, smelled the litter box, and saw my hair and makeup products strewn across the vanity, I decided to do a quick straightening. So I started first with going through the mail, then scooping the litter, and by the time I got to the two-day old dishes in the sink, it hit me. If I did this everyday it wouldn’t build up into a seemingly insurmountable mess. I know, brilliant, right? Stay with me, my deep thought is coming.

I have a lot of issues, strongholds of the mind, past hurts. It seems my excess baggage has somehow made the three hour move with me in my memories, although I don’t remember packing those bags when preparing to move. Tonight as I was cleaning, my big idea was if I kept a regular routine of journaling and releasing it to Jesus and asked for healing, or forgiveness, or grace, or whatever the case, for all of the offenses, mistakes, and hurts from the day, then they wouldn’t build up and become moldy, stinking messes after holding it in so long. There are things that happened to me as far back as 5 years ago that still tick me off anytime I think about it. Now, if that’s not a problem, I don’t know what is!

Pastor Eugene has spent the past two weeks preaching “Baggage. Live free. Travel light.” I’m sick of lugging around a purse, a carry-on, a suitcase, and a trunk filled with history. It’s time to unpack.

Put away the party decorations.

I moved to a new city on August 15. I started my current job on August 22. I’ve been here just over a month. Aside from my co-workers, I haven’t met anyone or formed any friendships. I know, big deal, it’s been a month. Right? But I have a hard time making friends. I hate small talk, its painfully awkward for me. I’m shy and what’s more, I’m the pastor’s daughter which means I don’t have to make an effort because people automatically know who I am and they approach me. I’m aware of how silly some of my thinking sounds.

I’m lonely. Tonight I went to church where I’ve been coming for a month now and still have not really met anyone. So as I sat in the back tonight by myself, I began digging through the storage closet of my mind looking for decorations because I was going to throw myself a pity party. I prayed “If not one person speaks to me and makes a connection I am going to look for a new church. I’m serious, God.” I then began trying to think of what other churches are in the area I could visit on Sunday. Then the pastor asked if anyone had a need to lift their hand so the ones near them could pray for them. I kept my hand down but saw the girl next to me with hers raised so I prayed for her like I would want and hope someone would pray for me.

Then a girl who was nearby who couldn’t be more than 16 or 17 years old with the brightest red hair (I’m talking Kool-Aid red) grabbed my hands and prayed with me. Then she hugged me. Then we sat down and she sat behind me and hugged me from behind. Then after service she came next to me and hugged me two more times. Then she said, “God says, ‘It’s not about what everyone else says, it’s about what I say.’ Sorry, I just felt God wanted me to say that to you.”

I hope to see her on Sunday.

Hide

The summer before my sophomore year of college my parents sold our house and built a new house on the other side of town. I never really felt at home in my bedroom in the new house because I lived away more than not with being in college. My bedroom in the old house was my haven. It was only God, the four walls and ceiling of that room that knew what was truly in my heart, saw my smiles, heard my cries, and felt my pain. My bedroom was my hiding place, my escape.

I recently moved again. Except this time my move was without my parents to a big city. Moving to a city hours from everything and everyone I know has been an adventure. It is the divine favor, provision, gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit within my soul, and the manifestation of a prophetic word I received a year ago this month that assure me I am at the axis of God’s will.

My apartment feels like home and a shelter but it is not my hiding place. Lifelong goals and dreams are coming true but these things are not leaving me satisfied. I’m learning a whole new level of trusting in God for every need. He is my hiding place. I’m learning to let Jesus fill me up and hide myself in Him. It is becoming more than a Psalm to me.

The Lord is showing me that confidence comes from trusting in Him. In the place I’m in, I have nowhere else to turn.

Listening to: “You Are My Hiding Place” by Selah and “Hide My Soul” by Avalon

Untitled

On days when I have nowhere to go the next day, I often meet my nocturnal friend Creativity and together we stay awake into the wee hours of the morning working on projects and dreaming our daydreams. It is now 1:12 a.m. and this morning is no different as Creativity and I are at play. My sweet, beautiful, plump Bombay cat, Ebony, is lying down on the rug at my feet, everyone else is off in dreamland, and here I sit. Peck, peck, peck at the keyboard. I type pretty fast for only typing with 4 fingers, my mom says. In the wee hours of the night when Facebook’s status activity comes to a halt, I turn to YouTube to watch music videos. I’m stuck on a new song recently released by unsigned Nashville-based singer/songwriter Clayton Risner called “Beautiful.” Synthesizer, steady beat, cool, male voice, great lyrical hook, this is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, this is beautiful.

I think I could write a song. For two semesters in highschool I took a beginner guitar class and came up with a chord progression and a one liner and a tune but that was as far as I got. I like E minor, it’s a shame I broke the high E string about a year ago and still have not replaced it. I’m feeling creative, creative, creative tonight. It’s too bad I am not a singer. If I was I’d not only write a song but sing it too. I could sing it, record it, and put it on YouTube. But alas I will just settle for playing this song on repeat, repeat, repeat, playing this song on repeat.

This is the Story of a Girl named *Alice

Little *Alice was a fussy child. Many a day did not go by without Alice being sent to her room to take a nap when she manifested unruly behavior. One day though when Alice was 7 and in the second grade, as she was again sent to her room, Alice began to write what was bothering her. About 20 minutes later, as she darkened the kitchen doorway, she asked her parents if she could read to them her explanation. After she finished reading, her mom asked to look at her paper and took notice of her eloquence. Was it any wonder that Alice had an affinity for writing since it was she who at the age of 2 1/2 spouted off big words like “pure chewing satisfaction” and “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”?

As Alice grew, her school teachers took notice of her talent too. Alice aced every spelling test, always knew the answers during the DOL (Daily Oral Language) segment of the day, and in the fifth grade Alice won 2nd place for a school wide essay competition. In middle school, Alice befriended an elderly woman at her church who was also a writer. Alice and her sister would often stay with Miss Ruth and her husband, Bud, when their parents were out-of-town. Miss Ruth would also make sure the two girls completed their homework. Alice’s assignment was to write a short biography about Demeter, the Greek goddess of the harvest who presided over the grains. After she finished her assignment and went to bed, Miss Ruth read Alice’s paper. Miss Ruth thought this surely was not the writing of a 12-year-old, but plagiarism. Miss Ruth went to the bookshelf to retrieve the book Alice had used as a reference and to her astonishment, Alice indeed did not plagiarise but the words were all her own and cited her works correctly.

Alice often kept journals. She had a mind that never stopped and she found solace in writing poetry. In high school she excelled in advanced english classes, creative writing classes, she was on the yearbook committee and made it to Editor in Chief by her senior year. After high school, she wrestled with deciding on a college major; she knew writing was her greatest strength but she did not want to pursue it as a career. Alice enjoyed writing for herself and when she felt inspired rather than when she had to write about a topic with which she did not connect. Still, she could not deny her strengths, so Alice decided on a Communication degree.

After graduation, Alice had a difficult time finding a job. Out of desperation she accepted the first job offer given to her. The job left her miserable. She had no opportunity to use her talents and no hope for transferring to a department within the company where she could. Every door within the company was closed to Alice. She was a very creative person and needed an outlet for expression. She felt like new wine in old wineskins about to burst. She lived her life in survival mode like a marooned ship estranged on an unknown island in the middle of the ocean that had a sign overhead reading “NO FLY ZONE.” How did she get so far? How did she lose her way? Her prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears, her cries seemed to go unnoticed until one day. Oh, that glorious day! One day, after 3.1 years of torture, after exactly 400 days of her exiled imprisonment, she was free. Free! FREE!

It took Alice a few weeks to adjust to this newfound glory. It was so new to her. She found her world open to possibilities once again where she could dream, she could think, and once more, she could breathe. While before she felt trapped, paralyzed, and unable to move, she now felt like a feather bouncing in the wind and able to go wherever it carried her. Editor in Orlando? Work with at-risk teenage girls in Jacksonville? Work for an international social justice non-profit in Seattle? Music industry in Nashville? The possibilities were endless and wonderful! Alice still did not know where the next chapter in life would take her, but she would never again deny her strengths and minimize her God-given talent.

Moral of the story: Alice did not appreciate the gifts she had until she found herself in a place unable to use them. Do not take your God-given gifts, talents, and abilities for granted, instead cultivate your craft and use it for His glory in whatever way you can.

*Name has been changed to protect the guilty as charged writer of this blog

The “F” Word

I enjoy reading a webzine called Boundless, produced by Focus On the Family. The webzine is targeted to young adults ages 18 – 30something and covers topics such as singleness, dating, marriage, sex, careers, money, college, ministry, and raising children just to name a few. In my reading today, a 26-year-old single female reader writes to the column Boundless Answers Women with Candice Watters. She says,

“There is a man at church that I’m interested in. We’re becoming friends, and we get along really well, but I’m starting to recognize that as interested as I am, I’m not letting him know that, and I’m actually putting up walls in my heart out of fear. I’m afraid that he would reject me if he knew how I felt.

…when he saw me he smiled and threw his arms open to give me a big bear hug, and I suddenly felt terrified…fear crept in and I could barely register the warmth in his greeting.

…I realized for the first time that I have a lot more fear in my life than I knew, and it’s starting to get in the way of my life. I’m 26 years old, and I’d like to be married, but I think I’m standing in my own way.”

If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that girl and I were one in the same!

I don’t date often. I’ve only been on 3 official dates in my entire life and my second date at age 19 almost didn’t happen because of fear. No one was home as I dressed and I was nervous as one naturally would be before a date, but my nerves got the best of me. As I waited for him to pick me up, my hands began to shake, my voice quivered and I began to cry. I’m not talking small tears either, I cried and wailed uncontrollably as I rocked back and forth in a living room chair and tried to find my breath. What if he tried to make a move? Worse yet, what if he made a move and I couldn’t stop him? Gulp! I am NOT going!

I tried to call my mom, no answer. I tried to call my sister, no answer. I tried to call my aunt, no answer. I tried to call my nana, no answer. I finally reached my good friend Christine from church on the phone and she helped calm me down enough to fix my mascara that was now all over my face before he arrived. A few minutes later he greeted me at the door with flowers. I went and thankfully he kept his hands to himself.

Fear grips. Fear paralyzes. It is quite the understatement to say I struggle(d) with the spirit of fear. Back then I didn’t realize the potential power I had to defeat fear with the Word of God. Sure, I’d heard it in church that God has not given me the spirit of fear and I memorized the entire chapter of Matthew 6 which speaks about worry, but I didn’t know that I, lil’ ol’ me, had the power to deal with it head on myself much less how. I tend to complicate everything and I thought it was some huge process. Joyce Meyer taught me how to apply the Word to situations such as fear. I honestly did not know how.

Here is what I learned:

• Fear is a spirit and does not come from God (2 Timothy 1:7) and worry is a sin because the Lord commands us not to (Matthew 6).

• Because fear is a being, a spirit, I can speak to it. I have the power to cast out the spirit of fear and replace it with thoughts that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, and of good report (Philippians 4:8).

• I am not a slave to my emotions and I do not have to think every thought that passes through my head. I can think about what I am thinking about by taking every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).

• I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37) and I am a temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19) so there is no room for the spirit of fear.

• Worry does not help the situation nor does it make the issue somehow more important or urgent to God (Matthew 6:27).

• I don’t have to be afraid of men, or anything else, except to be reverentially fearful of the Lord (Proverbs 14:26).

• He hears me when I pray (1 John 5:14) and I can rest in Him and quietness and confidence will be my strength (Isaiah 30:15).

• I am to trust in the Lord with all my heart and not lean on my own reasoning (Proverbs 3:5-6) because my emotions deceive me (Jeremiah 17:9).

It’s an ongoing battle but the good news is Jesus #won and his word have I hid in my heart so I may not sin against Him (Psalm 119:11).